MONOLOGUE 001.5: A Note on Misalignment.
How do you bear with something as unbearable as hopelessness?
MONDAY, 21.03.2022, 2.00 P.M.
Have you ever had insanely (or moderately) high expectations for something to the point where you kind of don’t know what to do with yourself until that thing happens?
That’s where I am right now.
To be honest, this isn’t even the newsletter that was supposed to go out today. And this is the first draft of an unplanned newsletter so I’m laying it very bare right now.
For the past week or so, I’ve felt intensely… stuck. In all ways a human being could be stuck; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically (to my bed, that is) and it has been draining. I’m constantly irritated, tired, sluggish and quite frankly, more recluse than usual.
And the stupidest part is that this is all because I’m waiting on one thing.
I’m halting my own growth because it’s not happening the way I expect it to.
Is this childish? Perhaps. But I’m not in the business of being mature when I’m sad.
And this cycle seems to repeat itself. Last month I was also very stuck because of one thing that I expected to be a catalyst for my growth… and it didn’t happen.
So now here I am. In the same situation. But this time, I’m writing about it.
I would talk to somebody about my problems except I hate talking about my problems because I hate having problems. And I consider there to be different tiers of problems. Like from not knowing what you wanna eat, to feeling pretty down for, like, one day, to where I am right now… And I honestly have no idea where I am right now. I just know that I’d rather not talk about it.
Misalignment to me is starting to feel a lot like hopelessness. Where I’m counting on something external to remove me from where I am right now. And then when it doesn’t happen, I revert to an intense feeling of hopelessness.
But more on that later.
This isn’t really meant to be a pity party (even though it’s kind of turned into that) but rather a way for me to say what I’m feeling without thinking too hard about it. Because once I start thinking too hard about it, no one will ever see this newsletter.
THREE DAYS LATER:
Welp.
I know it may not seem like it because you’re reading this section directly after the previous one, but the passage of time between when I wrote that first part up until now has been a bit of an interesting one.
I’ve improved significantly I would say; a little TLC and copious amounts of daydreaming have allowed me to store all those negative emotions somewhere within my brain.
Is this just a shallow attempt at making myself feel better? Mayhaps. But it’s working right now. In the past three days, I’ve been able to process lots of feelings and emotions that are otherwise very gross to process. I also talked to someone! Namely, my sister because frankly, I’d only ever feel comfortable bleeding the very contents of my mind to her but still. It was a big step.
So where are we now?
When I started writing this specific newsletter, I told myself that this is a space for me to vent my thoughts, hence ‘inner monologues’. But now that I have to beautiful gift of hindsight, I’ve realised that I was simply - say it with me now folks -
BURNT THE FUCK OUT.
I genuinely don’t know what from. I could take a guess that it was an accumulation of more than one thing but still, it festered into this ugly, depressing slither that tried to choke the life out of me (and almost succeeded).
Now I’m probably being very dramatic about all this but it is my right to dramatise my problems otherwise they’d be a little too real for me to handle. So we’re just gonna continue with the weird metaphors and even weirder analogies.
To conclude, I wanna give a word of empathy - not advice, I’m not qualified for that - If things aren’t happening the way you expect, or you feel constantly let down by everything and everyone around you, I want you to know that you don't have to dissect those feelings alone.
As a self-certified empath, I truly don’t think keeping things to yourself is helpful in any way. It only gives you the opportunity to stew further into very negative thoughts, and the butterfly effect of that is not pretty.
The biggest misconception when your brain starts spouting shit is that you convince yourself that you’re alone. That no one understands you so there’s no point in trying to talk it out. But there is. There always will be.
RAMBLINGS:
So I’m still in the process of moving, lol. At this point I expect it to just happen without me realising because I don’t perceive… anything… these days. Other than that, I’m starting to obsess over skincare again. There’s something slightly sadistic about window shopping with money in my account that I can’t use to buy it.
SH!T I’M READING:
“Seven Days In June” - Tia Williams. (Started this one about a week ago. I’m still in the process of finishing it and this book is truly everything and more. A Summertime romance, writers falling in love with each other through their stories, GOOD. FUCKING. WRITING, I couldn’t ask for more, honestly.)
“My Sister the Serial Killer.” - Oyinkan Braithwaite (A relatively quick read but I was highly dissatisfied with the ending. I might start doing book reviews because complaining about plot holes to the four walls of my bedroom is no longer cutting it.)
SH!T I’M LISTENING TO: “Yamz” - Masego, Devin Morrison ( I wanna write home about this song. I wanna sing this song at my wedding. I want this song SANG to me at my wedding. Masego is already phenomenal, and then Devin Morrison was added into the mix and now I listen to this song ritualistically. Brb, I’m gonna go listen to it now.
SH!T I’M DOING:
FOOTNOTES:
Thank you for making it this far! And if you like this newsletter, why not like this newsletter? You can also share it if that tickles your fancy. See you in 2 weeks. <3